I’ve got a shocking admission for you- I like flying. There I’ve said it. I’m a dirty, dirrrty boy, a carbon raping, environment buggering, sea-level rise causing blaggard. Thing is I don’t care what the Global Warming Nazi’s think. Those planes will be flying anyway and it’s far more efficient for the seats to be filled than empty. A full plane is more efficient for moving the same amount of people than by other means (source: the same magic fact factory that has no factual accuracy- the interweb!) and it’s far cheaper to fly than by any supposed greener means.
When you live on a little island what are the options- hellishly expensive and slow ferries or cheap, quick planes? No contest really. I’m most definitely pro flying. The planes get a bad rep from the enviros, they aren’t the great enemy- international shipping is. Those feck off big tankers that ship containers of pointless consumer goods from China belch lord knows how much poop into the atmosphere and nasty crap into the seas. But cos all the science is so ‘accurate’ the contribution from the thousands of these ships wasn’t tallied until recently and lo and behold they poop more CO2 than a turbocharged CO2 pooping machine set to 11… and don’t even get me started on the CO2 and methane emissions from livestock.
But this isn’t what the column is about. It’s about flying. Like I said, I like flying, I like airports, I dig the whole scene. It makes me feel all warm and glowy, like the Ready Brek kids. Airplanes and airports are cool. Well, apart from that Terminal 5 over at Heathrow- that’s a massive clusterfirk on an epic scale. You’d a thought they would have tested the baggage machines properly, ensured the escalators worked and made everyone that was going to work there at least pop in for a day so they knew where the car parks were? Makes you proud to be British; our huge, flagship development going to the dogs on day one in spectacular fashion. Funny thing is its British Airways who now call T5 home, so every surfer in the land sat chuckling at the news on the telly box. It was BA’s stuff up, it’s their mess and it’s going to cost them millions to sort out and millions more in lost business. Don’t know about you folks but I sat there flipping the TV the double bird whilst sniggering and simultaneously muttering under my breath, ‘ain’t karma a bitch yo!’ this is what happens when you ban surfboards from your airline beeatches. So T5 is not our concern, if you surf, you won’t ever need to go there or transfer through there cos BA are not your friends. Well. Now they are as long as you surf a board under a 6’1. Muppets.
But still, I am digressing. I can’t quite bring myself to get to the point. The title of this column is a clue- Snake, singular, as in the addictive game on old school Nokia mobile phones. ‘What’s your point?’ you cry, cos mobiles must be switched off on planes, otherwise all kinds of nasty shit happens. Or that’s what we’ve been told for years anyway? Well, turns out that was all a big bunch of fibs… Because the new, whizz-bang news, the news I really can’t bear to utter is- they are going to allow mobile phones to be used on planes real soon.
The horror, the horror! Can you imagine it? Braying simpletons being allowed to have their inane conversations while stuck in the seat next to you. It’s bad enough on the train. It can’t be allowed to happen. A plane is a quiet little bubble where no one can get to you on email, phone or otherwise. It’s a haven of peace, a sanctuary, especially if you have some of those rad, noise-reducing headphones. It is a rare chance to spend hours just listening to music or watching movies with no distractions apart from cute air-hostesses wiggling their pert bums.
The new EU rules state that phones will allowed once the plane’s above 3000m and should work across all of Europe. The plane will be fitted with its own lil mast which’ll suck up the signals and beam them straight to satellites for relaying to ground. We can only hope the cost is prohibitively expensive as otherwise there’s gonna be some serious rucking. Planes will become flying hellholes. It doesn’t bear thinking about. Being pinned in the window seat by some fat pikey bleating down their phone, “yeah, I’m on da plane, da PLANE, yeah, it’s well cool, oh, I’m over France now, yeah FRANCE, it’s -25 outside, no I ain’t gonna wind the window down you nutter! What are you like! all the films were shit cos I seen em all on dodgy DVDs from down the market already, and I’m still on the plane, gonna be there in one hour fifteen minutes, ooh, fourteen minutes now, yeah FOURTEEN, HELLO? HELLO? Oh yer still there, cor its amazing being able to talk on the phone, I’m on a plane! Who’d a thought!” Etc, etc…
The term ‘air rage’ will not suffice…
But still, I am digressing. I can’t quite bring myself to get to the point. The title of this column is a clue- Snake, singular, as in the addictive game on old school Nokia mobile phones. ‘What’s your point?’ you cry, cos mobiles must be switched off on planes, otherwise all kinds of nasty shit happens. Or that’s what we’ve been told for years anyway? Well, turns out that was all a big bunch of fibs… Because the new, whizz-bang news, the news I really can’t bear to utter is- they are going to allow mobile phones to be used on planes real soon.
The horror, the horror! Can you imagine it? Braying simpletons being allowed to have their inane conversations while stuck in the seat next to you. It’s bad enough on the train. It can’t be allowed to happen. A plane is a quiet little bubble where no one can get to you on email, phone or otherwise. It’s a haven of peace, a sanctuary, especially if you have some of those rad, noise-reducing headphones. It is a rare chance to spend hours just listening to music or watching movies with no distractions apart from cute air-hostesses wiggling their pert bums.
The new EU rules state that phones will allowed once the plane’s above 3000m and should work across all of Europe. The plane will be fitted with its own lil mast which’ll suck up the signals and beam them straight to satellites for relaying to ground. We can only hope the cost is prohibitively expensive as otherwise there’s gonna be some serious rucking. Planes will become flying hellholes. It doesn’t bear thinking about. Being pinned in the window seat by some fat pikey bleating down their phone, “yeah, I’m on da plane, da PLANE, yeah, it’s well cool, oh, I’m over France now, yeah FRANCE, it’s -25 outside, no I ain’t gonna wind the window down you nutter! What are you like! all the films were shit cos I seen em all on dodgy DVDs from down the market already, and I’m still on the plane, gonna be there in one hour fifteen minutes, ooh, fourteen minutes now, yeah FOURTEEN, HELLO? HELLO? Oh yer still there, cor its amazing being able to talk on the phone, I’m on a plane! Who’d a thought!” Etc, etc…
The term ‘air rage’ will not suffice…
