Bugs
The North Shore is in the Tropics. Which means it’s tropical, in layman’s terms this is, in essence, a posh way of saying it’s hot and sweaty as all firk. The humidity level is often 100%, which means there is more water in the air than actual air. Two things thrive in hot and moist conditions, one is the verdant plant life, and the other is the creeping, buzzing, biting majority of the North Shore’s population- the Bugs… Cockroaches, ants, mosquitoes and a score more of six-legged little critters really run the joint, them, and the geckos. Place is over run by damn wildlife… Geez, if it’s not scary enough in the water.
Fun
If anyone asks how the waves are, or were, on the North Shore there is only one response that shows you are a true North Shore aficionado- ‘Kinda fun, huh?’
No other response is allowed. You can elaborate, ‘Kinda fun, but crowded, but there were a few, you know’ or ‘Kinda fun, super fun actually’. No one discusses size. It’s not the done thing. It’s either tow size or small. A small day can see waves from 2 to 12 feet. It’s not considered big until Pipe is 15ft+ breaking on the third reef and the rest of the North Shore is a maelstrom of white water. It’s weird. When it’s a fun 2-4 feet, that’s called flat- good ‘for the kids and the girls’.
Out Front
As for where people surf this is tied directly to whichever rented pad the pros sponsors have teed up. If the house is at Log Cabins they surf there, at Off The Wall the same story. So there’s no point asking any of the pros where they surfed, as the answer will always be ‘Out front’. This year OTW had the usual high-end crew of the Irons Bros, Fanning, Parko and the Bong groms. Rockies had Steds and that crew and Logs was the preserve of the Aussie QS battlers you’ve not heard of. The Euros tend to colonise Gas Chambers. Even if other spots are firing on a particular swell size and direction, Logs, for example, was epic on several days when a unusual NE swell was running, no one will move, if there’s no waves out front then there’s no waves. Golf, loitering around the Apple store in Ala Moana and the cinema are far more preferable than actually surfing.
Freaks
The North Shore is to weirdoes and freaks what Graceland is to Elvis fans. It’s a shrine that radiates a signal that pulls in oddballs and spooky dudes from all over the States. These people, easily recognised by the way they argue with themselves, are frequently encountered and best avoided. Unless you want to hear about the government implanting microchips in peoples teeth to spy on them and how the conspiracists, neo-cons and Barney the Dinosaur are taking over the world.
They are usually encountered on-
The Bus
A North Shore institution, Da Bus takes you from the country all the way to Honolulu for a princely two dollar. This scenic jaunt takes two and a half hours and as long as you aren’t pinned under an enormous fat man that’s fallen asleep, as happened last time I did it, its all good. The end of the road is at-
Ala Moana
The mall to end all malls. Never, ever, go there with a girlfriend, you will never leave. Key focal points for fellas: the Apple Store for all things Mac and Sears for all the manly tools, sports and man crap that you didn’t know you needed, like poker chips and card dealing machines. 90% of the shops are ridiculously expensive designer places hence only appealing to birds.
Foodland
You’re kinda limited when it comes to shopping on the North Shore. The glittering palaces and designer boutiques that cluster around Waikiki and Ala Moana on the South Shore are not present, in fact the main Waimea to Sunset stretch of the North Shore where all the good stuff happens there’s just one supermarket, a coffee shop, a surf shop, and a garage, with a mini-mart. In all reality the only spot worth visiting is Foodland. The second most expensive supermarket in the world (Guam, apparently has the most expensive) its four dollars for a loaf of bread, four frigging dollars, which in real money is £2.50 and that isn’t a normal, proper, family sized British loaf, that’s some half-assed sixteen-slice piece of crap. Suffice to say, bread is off the menu. Milk is £2.50 for two pints, as opposed to 56p. You can see why people eat out a lot- it’s cheaper! The only saving grace of Foodland is its deli; the deep-fried chicken breasts are to die for, the potato wedges heavenly and the corn dogs sublime.
You’d wonder why anyone ever goes there but when business started slipping a few years back they struck an idea made of pure gold- tack a Starbucks on the side of the shop… Not only does the adage ‘if you build it, they will come’ fit; the bastards also scoured the land for the finest baristas possible and they knock out the crypto quality coffee. So you go to get your coffee hit and accidentally get pulled in by the Foodland tractor beam…
Twenty bucks later the tractor beam releases you and you stumble back into daylight clutching one very small carrier bag of food, which’ll get eaten by the ants anyway, and all the way home there’s no way to shift the feint feeling that you’ve been royally cornholed.
Freddy P out front last season...
