We’ve been mercifully free of the disease that is localism in our islands. Sure there are places where you tread and park carefully but the innate friendliness of British and Irish surfers, borne from the days when seeing another surfer was a rarity, still holds sway. Which is why you’ll hear arrogant young Turks say things like this, ‘Yeah all the locals are super mellow, didn’t seem to mind us paddling past them at all to go deep…’ That’s what is known amongst locals as a queue, an orderly way of handling reef set-ups.
Some people say it’s done, the old ways of doing things are over, they reckon it’s time we had more ‘protective’ localism! Give the kooks some lessons learned the hard way! Educate people with a slap before they kill someone! All sounds a bit fascist to me, especially when it’s coming from people that have only surfed for two years…
But hey, we’re always looking for a bandwagon to jump on so here’s Slide’s cut out and keep guide to being a redneck local asshole! (Any actual carrying out of any of the following is at your own risk and if you get beaten up, arrested, incarcerated and uncomfortably gummed by two burly men then it’s your own look out. We’re lovers not fighters here).
Asshole Top Tips…
In the water-
All black logo-less wetsuits are de-rigueur, beards are a nice touch, never speak, unless it’s telling someone to ‘fuck off back to where they came from’. Never seem to be enjoying yourself, never hoot, holler or smile. Give everyone you don’t know stink-eye and everyone you do know a grudging, barely perceptible nod of your head. Surf like a poo-stancing gumby if possible as you don’t want to show the kooks how hard you rip. And once more for good measure never smile. Surfing is not fun. It is your divine right to be here cos your parents moved down from oop north 20-years ago… you are local!!
In the carpark-
Keep communication to a minimum. Human contact is bad. So get changed and go back to your room in your mum’s house and hit Guitar Hero. If you want to wax some windows or let down some tyres of non-locals make sure you do it so no one knows it’s you. As getting found out you’re actually totally spineless would be bad. Do check you are waxing the right cars though, don’t wax your own windscreen as it’s a right sod to get off.
Apres surf-
In the pub whinge about beginners, students, grockles, emmits, kooks, learners, surf schools, pros, surf mags, surf mag editors, photographers and the pro tour as much as possible. Surfing is not fun. You hate it really. Also go online and anonymously post in web forums your hatred and bile. Without ever coming up with positive comment. Asshole localism now knows no bounds- trolling websites is easier than waxing windscreens after all and you haven't ever got to back up your 'facts' or opinions with anything solid.
One of them British secret spots with nice cuddly locals...