How to be a Redneck Local Asshole…

We’ve been mercifully free of the disease that is localism in our islands. Sure there are places where you tread and park carefully but the innate friendliness of British and Irish surfers, borne from the days when seeing another surfer was a rarity, still holds sway. Which is why you’ll hear arrogant young Turks say things like this, ‘Yeah all the locals are super mellow, didn’t seem to mind us paddling past them at all to go deep…’ That’s what is known amongst locals as a queue, an orderly way of handling reef set-ups.

Sure the locals don’t knock anybodies teeth or fins out -Canaries style- but they were probably hoping the raised eyebrows and firm stares would get the message across, that or the example of British queuing would rub off… Sadly things are breaking down, more and more people in the water, a multitude of surf school educated foamie graduates, selfish pros, people that have not been guided by their elders and peers, people that have learnt from a money hungry machine. Not to say surf schools are bad, but it’s not apparent how much time is spent educating new surfers on the rules of the road. There should be a written exam at the end. If you can’t explain what snaking, dropping in and the offside rule are then you should be obliged to take the ‘beginners’ class again until you do. We don’t let people on the road without a license, letting anyone get on a pointy fibreglass missile that travels at 30mph without making sure they are fit to drive, also needs looking at…
Some people say it’s done, the old ways of doing things are over, they reckon it’s time we had more ‘protective’ localism! Give the kooks some lessons learned the hard way! Educate people with a slap before they kill someone! All sounds a bit fascist to me, especially when it’s coming from people that have only surfed for two years…
But hey, we’re always looking for a bandwagon to jump on so here’s Slide’s cut out and keep guide to being a redneck local asshole! (Any actual carrying out of any of the following is at your own risk and if you get beaten up, arrested, incarcerated and uncomfortably gummed by two burly men then it’s your own look out. We’re lovers not fighters here).

Asshole Top Tips…

In the water-
All black logo-less wetsuits are de-rigueur, beards are a nice touch, never speak, unless it’s telling someone to ‘fuck off back to where they came from’. Never seem to be enjoying yourself, never hoot, holler or smile. Give everyone you don’t know stink-eye and everyone you do know a grudging, barely perceptible nod of your head. Surf like a poo-stancing gumby if possible as you don’t want to show the kooks how hard you rip. And once more for good measure never smile. Surfing is not fun. It is your divine right to be here cos your parents moved down from oop north 20-years ago… you are local!!

In the carpark-

Keep communication to a minimum. Human contact is bad. So get changed and go back to your room in your mum’s house and hit Guitar Hero. If you want to wax some windows or let down some tyres of non-locals make sure you do it so no one knows it’s you. As getting found out you’re actually totally spineless would be bad. Do check you are waxing the right cars though, don’t wax your own windscreen as it’s a right sod to get off.

Apres surf-

In the pub whinge about beginners, students, grockles, emmits, kooks, learners, surf schools, pros, surf mags, surf mag editors, photographers and the pro tour as much as possible. Surfing is not fun. You hate it really. Also go online and anonymously post in web forums your hatred and bile. Without ever coming up with positive comment. Asshole localism now knows no bounds- trolling websites is easier than waxing windscreens after all and you haven't ever got to back up your 'facts' or opinions with anything solid.

 
One of them British secret spots with nice cuddly locals...